This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
