My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
