wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
