he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
