dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
