just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
