someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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