She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
