Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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