new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
