Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
