gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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