No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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