Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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