the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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