hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
