Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
