Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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