By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
God gave him joint rollers for hands
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
