I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
