Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
