I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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