3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
