after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
