Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
