Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I deserve this hangover.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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