a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
