I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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