and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
