i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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