I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
