now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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