you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
