He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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