Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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