apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
