dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
