we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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