I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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