yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
