Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
