You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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