his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
