took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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