WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
