There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I think your dad took our porno
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
