Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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