Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
