The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
