Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
