If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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